Watch Your Step
by White N Nerdy
Summary: Columbus learns the hard way that "Watch Your Step" should have been the number one rule in Zombieland. Good thing Tallahassee's there to pick him up when he falls...
1. Part I

**Watch Your Step**

_Rated T for violence, lots of language, and overall zombie peril._

**Foreword**

This random little story kinda just popped in my head. I loved the movie and (finally) got it on DVD, and I wanted to write a story that featured a potential new rule. And this is what came out. It started as a one shotter that got a little on the long side. So now it's a two shotter. I wrote it kinda in the same way the movie is played out, hopefully it makes sense with the italic narrations and what not.

Anywho, read away and enjoy! Thanks much :)

**Part I**

_It really should have been the number one rule. Watch your step. Even before the world became a roving wasteland for flesh eating zombies, I had always followed the rule "watch your step." Because you never know when you could come across an unforeseen change in ground level, or a deceivingly deep puddle, or a steaming pile of crap left on the sidewalk by your neighbor's pain in the ass little dog. I, in my neurotic ways, had always been wary of these sorts of things in my everyday life. So why I chose now of all times to forget one of the most important rules of pre-Zombieland is beyond me. All I know is that I never ever in a million years expected that a simple misstep would land me in some random hunter's fucking foothold trap._

"GAAAHHH! FU--"

Tallahassee reacted quickly as he slapped one large, calloused hand over his young friend's mouth, both to silence the cry of agony and to help keep the kid from toppling over completely. He strained his ears and sure enough Columbus' short cry had alerted the nearby undead to their attempt at stealthy reconnaissance. He couldn't be sure how many exactly were coming, but the telltale sound of stamping unsteady feet and hungry grunts indicated a large group was well on the way. And they were moving fast.

"Shit," Tallahassee whispered. "Shit, shit, shit."

He was feeling uncharacteristically panicked. Normally he would have eagerly welcomed the oncoming zombies and the promise of brutal slaughter, but the growing puddle of Columbus' blood at his feet really put a damper on his enthusiasm for killing. The kid's leg was trapped in a huge, iron jaw while he continued to scream against Tallahassee's hand.

"Quit yer belly aching," he hissed sternly while he tried to ignore the pain and terror in Columbus' wide eyes. "I'm gonna get you outta here, I promise. Just...chilax for a sec, 'kay?"

Columbus groaned but managed to nod his head. Tallahassee removed his hand and thankfully his young friend kept his screams to himself by biting down on his lip. He was staring down at his mangled leg and looked about ready to vomit all over himself if he so much as opened his mouth.

"Listen, kid," Tallahassee whispered urgently. "We got maybe a minute tops before a shitload of 'em come galloping back here to enjoy a late supper if ya get my meaning. I could probably take 'em on myself, but then I'd feel kinda bad leaving you here all bloody and delicious looking."

The young man could only whimper in response.

Tallahassee sighed and crouched down. "Don't fall over now," he warned the dangerously swaying Columbus. "That'd probably hurt like a bitch."

Columbus swallowed hard against his gag reflex and fisted his hands in the back of Tallahassee's leather coat to keep himself somewhat steady. The older man carefully examined the trap that was biting into the kid's left leg about halfway between his ankle and his knee. It was hard to see where exactly the teeth were--the whole limb was drenched in oozing red blood.

"It-it's bad isn't it," Columbus gasped. "It needs to be a-amputated, right? Oh G-God..."

"Calm down," Tallahassee growled while he carefully got a grip on the trap.

"'C-calm down'?" the young man cried hysterically. "Oh, I'm calm! Never been calmer! I've only got a fucking _bear trap_ on my leg!"

Tallahassee suddenly wrenched the jaws open a crack and felt the grip on his jacket disappear when Columbus stifled a howl of pain with his own hands. But without the support he had on Tallahassee he keeled over backwards and landed on the ground with a thud. At about the same time Tallahassee lost the grasp he had on the trap and it snapped shut again, tearing even further into Columbus' calf as he fell.

The older man's somewhat panicked exclamation of "aw shiiit" was drowned out completely by Columbus' ear splitting scream and the loud grunting of two zombies that suddenly broke through the brush next to them. Tallahassee didn't even think--he grabbed Columbus' dropped double barrel and blew each of the zombies away with one shot. He double tapped the seemingly dead bodies with his handgun, no longer concerned with the noise that was steadily drawing more zombies towards them.

"That's it," Tallahassee growled to himself. "Can't get you outta the damn thing we're gonna have to take it with us."

He holstered his weapons and quickly crouched down again. He got a grip on the chain that anchored the bear trap into the dirt and yanked. It took quite a bit of effort but eventually the stake pulled free and sent Tallahassee stumbling backwards a step from the momentum.

"Alright!" he cheered triumphantly to the body lying at his feet. "Hey, Columbus, ya think we can limp our way to safety now?"

The kid barely shook his head in response. He was completely ashen and his eyes were screwed tightly shut against the few tears that had managed to slip down his cheeks. His lips quivered and he let out a shaky sigh.

"I'm d-dead," he moaned pathetically. "P-please just...shoot me...in the f-face...and get it over with...I d-don't wanna be..._eaten alive_..."

"You're not dead, spit fuck," Tallahassee insisted. He would never admit it out loud, but the sight of his distraught and pained young friend really pulled at his heart strings. "And no one's gonna eat ya. At least not anytime soon."

With that he helped the quivering, barely conscious boy to a sitting position and bent over so he could haul the thin body up over his shoulder. Columbus groaned when the cumbersome trap pulled on his already torn leg, but other than that he was silent.

Tallahassee turned with his thankfully light load and continued in the direction they'd originally been headed. They'd been seeking sanctuary in what looked like a surprisingly well kempt and innocent looking little log cabin home, unawares that the yard around it was littered with traps. Tallahassee was quick but cautious as he went, sidestepping to avoid getting himself caught like Columbus had. He could just make out in the dusk dozens of metal teeth scattered throughout the overgrown lawn.

_The house was owned by one Michael Smitherson, avid hunter and interior decorating enthusiast. The fifty four year old could have been in the running for the coveted title of "Zombie Kill of the Week" had his own brilliant plan not backfired on him. See, Smitherson cared very much for his manly domain and vowed that no zombie son of a bitch would ever step a bloody foot inside. He had foothold traps, wooden pikes, barbed wire fencing, and every intention of digging a deep trench that would surround his home to keep him safely in and the zombies safely out._

_He'd surrounded his house with the traps first, placing them every few feet apart in a radius that extended a good ten yards in every direction. That was his first mistake, as logic would dictate he work from the outer trench inwards, rather than outwards from his house. His second mistake was that he worked well into the night, at which point it was too dark to see where he'd laid his own traps. He'd made it halfway to his back door before he was ensnared._

_The irony of the situation had not been lost on Mr. Smitherson as he sat there, unable to free himself from the stiff metal jaws he'd placed there not long before. Zombies did eventually come but the traps proved to be effective, and those few who actually attempted to crawl their way towards their helpless meal--regardless of the limbs they left stuck behind them--were shot point blank by Smitherson's trusty rifle. He laughed maniacally at the half a dozen or so zombies who foolishly tried to cross his yard. _

_Eventually though he decided he'd rather not starve or bleed to death where he sat, so Michael Smitherson stuck the barrel of his gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. _

Tallahassee continued towards the back of the house. The smell of decay struck him immediately, and he could just make out in the growing darkness a number of bodies--some dismembered--in the middle of the backyard.

"Poor dumb bastard," he muttered. He had half a mind to go grab the shiny gun that had effectively blown Smitherson's head off, but a groan from Columbus and the sounds of oncoming zombies reminded him that they needed to get to safety first and foremost.

He staggered up the few stairs that led to the back porch of the house and kicked the door open with the heel of his boot. He emerged into a well kempt but somewhat dusty from lack of use kitchen. The sounds of howling zombies and the sudden snapping of the traps echoed outside while Tallahassee moved further into the house towards the living room. The windows were barred and all the furniture had been pushed up against the front door. Nobody was getting in that way, so all he had to do was corner himself in here and pick off any zombies that somehow managed to get in the house through the back.

"Home sweet home," he muttered. He gently lowered Columbus' limp body to the floor on what he soon realized was a shaggy bear skin rug. He glanced around and noticed that another similar skin and a number of animal heads decorated the wall, with the focal point being the huge antlered buck above the brick fireplace's mantle. Tallahassee took in the scene and chuckled. "Now why'm I not surprised?"

Columbus moaned again, drawing Tallahassee's attention immediately. It was dark outside at this point, but the older man could just make out in the moonlight the dark, bloody stains on Columbus' jeans and the thick metal teeth that were still clenched around his leg. His fingers had failed before to get the thing opened, so what he needed now was a little leverage to pry it apart.

"Aha!" he exclaimed when he noticed the fire poker leaning against the nearby hearth. He grasped it in his fist just as a deafening crash sounded from the kitchen. He quickly spun around to see a one armed zombie stumble into the room with a trap latched onto each of his broken legs. The zombie snarled and stumbled forward to bear down on a wide eyed Columbus when Tallahassee jabbed the sharp end of the poker straight through its neck.

Thick blackish blood spewed from the wound and from the zombie's gaping mouth before Tallahassee finally yanked his weapon out of the dead flesh, taking the monster's entire head clean off with it. The rest of the body fell backwards in a decapitated, twitching heap.

"Holy shit," Columbus gasped. Apparently the terror of nearly becoming zombie food had snapped Columbus out of his shock. "That was... ...and then you fucking... ...with his head..."

"Exactly," Tallahassee muttered. He kicked the body away and moved cautiously through the kitchen towards the back door. There were three more zombies outside in the yard, but they hadn't even made it past the perimeter of the traps. They crawled along, moaning and looking all ensnared and pathetic and overall non threatening. Tallahassee slammed the door shut and pushed the nearby kitchen table against it, just in case.

When he returned to the hunter's living room, he saw that Columbus was even paler but had somehow managed to push himself up to a sitting position. He cautiously poked at the wound on his lower leg, looking fascinated and horrified at the same time. He gazed up at Tallahassee through tired, fever bright eyes.

"...'S not so bad," he slurred. "Well, besides the...b-blood loss making me...little dizzy. Doesn't...doesn't even hurt much anymore."

"That's good, kid," Tallahassee lied. "That's real good."

The poker was now useless as it was covered in infected zombie blood. He cursed and tossed it to the side before grabbing another tool from the hearth. The flat shovel would be a little more cumbersome to work with, but hopefully it would do the trick. He knelt down and positioned the shovel between the jaws that were snapped around Columbus' leg.

"So you won't mind if I get this thing offa ya now?"

Columbus gave a little half assed shrug.

"Okey dokey."

With that Tallahassee wrenched the shovel one way and used his free hand to pry the rest of the trap open. It pulled out of the kid's flesh and to his credit Columbus didn't even scream. His eyes rolled back into his head at the disgusting sight of his own mutilated leg and he was back on the floor, unconscious before Tallahassee had even finished getting the thing off of him.

"Columbus? Kid? ... ... ...Spit fuck?"

There was no response, not even when Tallahassee lightly slapped his cheeks.

Now Tallahassee was no doctor, but he could tell by the shredded skin and the deep wounds and the sheer amount of blood that was coming from said wounds that the injury was serious. The kid's leg was probably broken too, but he would never be able to tell. All Tallahassee knew was he needed a doctor fast. But where in the hell would they find a doctor in world populated mostly by brainless zombies?

"Hannah Montana to Big Daddy T...Big Daddy T do you read me?"

Tallahassee jumped at the crackle of static and the sound of a familiar cheery voice. He'd completely forgotten about the walkie talkie he had strapped to his belt.

"Yeah, Little Rock," he said grimly back. "I hear ya. Listen kid, we've got a little bit of a big ass problem over here..."

_The walkie talkies were my idea, and a brainchild that I was very proud of. After the Perilous Pitfall of Pacific Playland as I--but sadly no one else--like to call it, me, Tallahassee, and the girls decided to stick together. The talkies were just in case we got separated. Well, that and because they were super cool. I was given the code name "Venkman," which was awesome until it dawned on me why my Tallahassee and Wichita laughed every time they called me it. I swear I will never ever in a million years live down the fact that I killed Bill Murray. _

_We had no idea where we were going so we just drove. We were going in a general eastern direction to start, though I was a little doubtful of rumors I'd heard that the east coast was safe. There was no probably no place on this whole Goddamn continent that was zombie free. _

_Eventually we came to the mutual decision that we would make good of what we had left of our lives and the empty country we resided in. Little Rock had gotten to go to her amusement park, and now everyone else wanted to visit some of their favorite places or someplace they'd always wanted to go but never had a chance to. Wichita picked next, and before we knew it our bright yellow Hummer was headed for Las Vegas, Nevada._

_Surprisingly the infamous city still had living inhabitants. Granted its usually thriving tourist population of millions had been reduced to only a handful of people but still--it was the most non-zombies any of us had seen in a long time. _

_Not that these were people who wanted anything to do with us. Most of them could be found glued to their slot machines with cigarettes hanging from their lips and one hand working the gambling device of choice while the other held some sort of gun at the ready just in case. _

_And then we met two particularly interesting businessmen who had once been big wig hotel owners before the great zombie-pocalypse. They were currently working on creating a new Vegas resort, one that catered specifically to the undead. They hadn't been having much success as of late, especially after their first casino opening resulted in their third partner being eaten by their guests. But still they press on, determined to turn the Las Vegas Strip into a thriving tourist attraction once again._

_Apparently, even in a world were money no longer mattered, people were still obsessed with making as much of it as possible. _

_Next we visited the Grand Canyon, per Tallahassee's request. I'd been there once before as a kid on a rare family vacation. The stifling desert air coupled with my fear of heights did not make it a particularly enjoyable trip, then or now. I hovered far from the edge while the other three ooohed and awed at nature's beauty. I for one couldn't see how a giant hole in the ground was so damn exciting._

_My trip was coming up next and I had no idea where I wanted us to go. Everyone else's trips had been fun and exciting for them, which left me feeling pressured to come up with someplace equally good. It's amazing how anxiety over something as simple as picking a vacation destination could keep me up at night._

_We were just starting to leave the desert behind when the Hummer finally decided to crap out on us. Thankfully suburbia wasn't more than a few miles ahead, so after gathering up our things and watching Tallahassee give his heartfelt goodbye to our vehicle we headed off to look for a new car and a place to crash. _

_We'd split up then, the girls running off to find a suitable vehicle only because we men had picked the last one. Me and Tallahassee were supposed to find a safe place, radio the girls to tell them about said safe place, and then hunker down for a good night's sleep. It wasn't long before we found the perfect house that, unlike its neighbors, appeared untouched by the zombies. Little did we know that the house was untouched because it was practically untouchable. _

_If only I'd been watching my step from the start..._

Tallahassee had thankfully found a well stocked first aid kit in the bathroom. He started a fire using wood furniture that was around the house so he could see what he was doing while he wrapped gauze and bandages around Columbus' blooding leg. The kid was still unconscious, breathing shallowly and shivering slightly even with the fire on full blast and the bear skin blanket from the wall draped over his body.

They'd been in the house for well over an hour now with no word from the girls. When Little Rock had radioed before she informed Tallahassee that they had successfully found a working vehicle. He directed her as best as he could to where he and Columbus were and told her to hurry her ass up after giving an abridged tale of what had happened to them. Little Rock gasped when he mentioned Columbus' injury and she assured him that she and her sister were well on their way.

Where they were now though he had no idea. For all he knew they could have been eaten alive already. Or they could have found their vehicle and decided to ditch them again, especially after they learned that Columbus was hurt. Wichita would probably decide to leave them stranded just so she wouldn't be slowed down by a cripple. You never could tell with those girls.

"Well this is quite the cluster fuck you've gotten us into here, kid," Tallahassee muttered to his unconscious friend. He put a hand on Columbus' feverish head and gently brushed the wavy brown hair away from his sweaty brow.

Not surprisingly, Columbus didn't respond.

"You better not die on me, now," Tallahassee whispered. He was feeling uncharacteristically emotional while this boy, his friend, was suffering. He hadn't felt this bad since...

"There's no way I'm losing another kid," he said while swiping the liquid from his eyes at the thought of his son. "No fucking way."

Finally he heard a squealing of tires outside. He sighed in audible relief and scrubbed his face with his hands in an attempt to hide any signs of his distress. The girls had made it in one piece, well, unless zombies had suddenly learned how to drive. But that couldn't be. Zombies were dumb. They couldn't even watch their step, let alone--

Tallahassee gasped as he leapt to his feet, walkie in hand.

"Little Rock, Wichita! Be careful of the yard," he warned, hoping to God he wasn't too late. "...Little Rock?!"

He heard nothing but static after that, and in his mind he kept waiting for more girlish screams like he'd heard from Columbus.

"Concern noted, dude," Wichita finally responded. "We'll be fine."

Minutes later he saw lights dancing around outside through the cracks in the barred window. He smirked to himself. Of course those crafty sisters were smart enough to find a bunch of working flashlights. He only hoped any nearby zombies didn't see them, too.

"Hey," came a muffled call followed by furious pounding on the front door. "What'd you do, lock us out?!"

Tallahassee scrambled to move the furniture away from the door so he could let the girls in. He sighed in relief when he saw both sisters standing there, unharmed with smiles on their faces. When he let them inside their grins immediately fell.

"Oh my God, Columbus," Wichita gasped. She quickly knelt on their prone friend's one side while Little Rock took the other. "And...is this a bear?" She poked at the furry skin, or more specifically at the deceased bear's head that rested on Columbus' chest. "Did you kill a fucking bear while we were gone?"

"No I did not," Tallahassee snapped. "Listen--the kid's hurt real bad, and unless watching _ER _counts as having a medical degree I got no idea how to help him."

Little Rock lifted up the bear skin blanket and gasped when she saw the now completely bloodied bandages around Columbus' leg. Wichita peered at the injury too and made a face.

"He needs to go to a hospital," she stated.

Tallahassee threw his hands into the air. "A _hospital_?! No shit Sherlock! But just where in the hell are we gonna find a hospital?!"

"It's a couple of miles away on the other side of town," Little Rock said matter-of-factly while she held Columbus' limp hand in her comforting grasp. "That's where we got the ambulance."

He gaped at her. "The...the ambulance?" He peered out the door and had to do a double take. Sure enough there was an ambulance there on the side of the road. He forced a laugh only to relieve some of the painful anxiety he'd been feeling. "You know, you gals are alright."

Little Rock beamed at the compliment. "Thanks!"

"Okay, if you two are done stating the obvious I really think we should get going." Wichita was crouched over Columbus, and it looked like she'd been tracking the pulse in his wrist. "Can you carry him outside?"

Tallahassee nodded and immediately bent down to scoop Columbus' limp form into his arms, bear skin and all. The young man groaned when he was moved and his eyes actually fluttered open a little.

"Wha...where're we goin'?"

"Hospital," Tallahassee answered.

"...Really? Those're...still a thing?"

"Apparently. And you're going to one."

Columbus' eyes fell shut again and he sighed heavily. "Okey dokey," he mumbled.

"This way," Little Rock called as she took the lead outside wielding two flashlights.

Tallahassee followed the small girl closely as she led them through the maze of traps that covered the front yard. Wichita brought up the rear, always wary of surprise zombie attacks. They made it into the ambulance without incident and Tallahassee loaded himself and Columbus into the back. Little Rock flipped on the sirens and her sister just as quickly flipped them off as she climbed into the driver's seat.

"Aw, man," the smaller girl moaned in defeat.

"Sorry, sis, but I do not want a shitload of zombies following us right now. Besides--I doubt there's a lot of traffic we have to worry about on the way there."

Little Rock sighed. "Yeah I guess not." She glanced apprehensively back at where Tallahassee was laying Columbus on the bare floor. "But...do you think it's...safe?" she quietly asked her sister.

"'Safe'?" Wichita scoffed. "Of course it's safe. It's an ambulance. It's like practically death proof."

"Oh okay. But what if--"

"No more buts. This is gonna work. And if not..." she trailed off for a moment and it was clear various emergency plans were playing themselves out in her head. Finally she turned to her sister and forced a grin. "Just trust me. Okay?"

"Oookay."

"Good." Wichita twisted in her seat and called to the back, "you guys ready to go?"

Tallahassee sat on the floor next to Columbus. He shot the girls a thumbs up, the universal sign for "we're all good back here."

She nodded and sent one last sympathetic look in Columbus' direction before starting the ambulance and pulling away from the booby trapped house.

"But...I don't like hospitals," Columbus muttered in his semi conscious state.

"Of course you don't, spit fuck," Tallahassee mumbled. "Of course you don't."


	2. Part II

**Part II**

_Hospitals were the first institutions to go when the zombies took over. The original case of supposed "food poisoning" caused by those tainted Gas-N-Go burgers were treated in a local hospital. And when that small hospital couldn't diagnose the symptoms they sent Patient 0--as he came to be called--to another, larger hospital a few towns over, and when they still couldn't figure out what was making the guy crazy they sent him to a specialized, one of a kind hospital in Washington D.C. Huge mistake on the hospitals' part. _

_In hindsight they really should have just Euthenasia-ized the bastard, because by the time he was shown to specialists he was way beyond simple stomach flu and brain hemorrhaging. He bit chunks out of three doctors before they finally managed to get him into isolation, but by then it was too late. Those doctors quickly turned on their colleagues, who turned on their patients, who turned on their unsuspecting families._

_The media caught on quickly, but by then more hospitals all over the country had admitted people with symptoms similar to those of Patient 0, and like that big wig, high tech hospital in D.C. each and every one of those medical centers collapsed in on itself._

_And then the hospitals that weren't immediately struck down by the domino effect of Zombieland were the first to be attacked and left abandoned by swarms of the undead. It seemed the zombies somehow realized the threat involved with hospitals in the off chance that a cure was ever discovered. Apparently they're not always as dumb as they look._

"Be careful... Shit! Watch the...watch the wall! Geez, slow down! You're killing me here..."

"Stop...yer damn...wriggling..."

"Oh my God...are those...fucking _stairs_?!"

"What, now stairs're scary too?"

"When you're carrying me up them they are!"

"Ya know, I think I liked it better when you were conked out," Tallahassee grumbled. "I slung ya over my shoulder like a Goddamn sack and didn't hear a peep outta ya."

"You...WHAT?! _Gaaah_!"

Columbus' knee struck the metal banister of the hospital's emergency stairwell, but that had been a God honest mistake. Tallahassee even winced for him, though he wasn't about ready to apologize. Columbus didn't complain the rest of the way up--based on the expression on his ashen face he was probably in too much pain to.

Wichita and Little Rock had gone ahead to make sure the coast was clear. The place was thankfully deserted, probably because of the zombies' instinctive dislike of sanatoriums. Once they'd given the small hospital a long and careful look through they let Tallahassee in with the conscious albeit slightly delirious Columbus in his arms. Now the sisters were working on barricading every entrance so nothing could get in and Tallahassee trusted that they would do a good job.

"Head for the third floor," Wichita had instructed. "We'll find you up there."

Why third he had no idea, but he wasn't really in the mood to argue. As long as it was safe he could care less. On the specified floor he found a surprisingly well lit hallway, as the emergency generator in the hospital had apparently not died on them yet. The place was a mess with broken medical equipment and other crap tossed haphazardly around, as though a tornado had stormed through the building's interior. Eventually he managed to find a fairly empty room with a somewhat clean bed and dropped Columbus onto it as carefully as he could.

"Ow ow ow fucking...shit... _OWWW_!"

"Ah calm down ya big baby," Tallahassee muttered as he turned away to raid the nearby cabinets in the hopes that he would find something--anything--to make the kid feel slightly better.

"I am in agonizing pain here," Columbus shrieked hysterically back at him. "And you're only making it worse!"

"Well sorry there, _princess_," Tallahassee automatically taunted back. "I thought ya were a man, not a pussy."

The kid whined something in response but Tallahassee ignored him. His patience was wearing thin, though not because of Columbus complaining. It seemed the hospital they'd chosen had already been thoroughly raided and he feared he wouldn't be able to find the supplies he needed to help his young friend. Not that he really knew what he was looking for anyway. Bandages maybe? Yeah, lots and lots of bandages...

Then he heard a strange noise that had him freezing mid search. He recognized the sound for what it was easy enough--the sniffling, the short shaky breaths, the little whimpers--but it was the kind of sound he would hear from Buck when the toddler became particularly frustrated and upset by something or rather. For a second, just a second, his mind wandered to the last time he'd heard the sound, right before his little Bucky was dragged off to become a light appetizer for some zombie son of a bitch.

He'd been too mild-mannered then, mostly due to ignorance. At the time he didn't understand the zombie plague any better than the next guy, so when instinct kicked in he opted for flight over fight. Long story short he'd been careless and his inability to prepare for a full fledge zombie attack left him and his son helpless. Poor Buck hadn't had a chance.

So now he was hearing it again, that whimpering sound of distress that affected him so deeply that he had been able to take a frying pan and avenge his son as he bashed in the heads of his once friends and neighbors. He suddenly had that urge again, that urge to protect and kill anything that threatened to inflict the kind of terror and pain he'd seen on Buck's little round face.

He spun around with a growl, ready to fight to the death, but saw no zombies and no son in distress. All he saw was Columbus sitting there and grasping his injured leg just above the knee, as though that would somehow ease the aching further down. The kid's eyes were squeezed shut and his pale face was screwed up in pain while he bit hard on his quivering lip in a lame attempt to keep himself from outright bawling. It didn't seem to be working very well, because Tallahassee could see even from across the room the tears that streaked the kid's reddened cheeks.

"Are you..._crying_?" Tallahassee asked bluntly.

Columbus shook his head as he couldn't quite trust his voice to speak for him at the moment.

The older man sighed heavily and got up off his haunches so he could cross the room and take a careful seat next to Columbus on the narrow gurney. He hesitated a long moment before finally putting a strong, comforting arm around the kid's thin shoulders. To Tallahassee's surprise Columbus didn't pull away from the touch even though his precious bubble of personal space had been invaded. Instead he choked out a sob that had Tallahassee holding him even closer.

"...'M n-not a...p-p-pussy," the boy wept.

"Yeah ya are," Tallahassee responded gently while he rubbed comforting circles against Columbus' arm. "But that's okay. I still like ya."

Columbus let out a strangled sounding laugh that quickly turned to more sobs. Tallahassee enveloped him further into his embrace and let the kid cry his little heart out. The older man didn't even mind that the front his shirt was soon drenched in tears and snot. Columbus was hurt and scared and upset, but at least he was safe in Tallahassee's arms. He hadn't been able to save Buck, but he sure as hell would make up for it with this geeky, overly sensitive college kid.

_Fever dreams are weird. You get so discombobulated that it's unclear whether you're awake or sleeping, and if what happens in your dream actually happens in real life. _

_Like was I really just then clinging to Tallahassee--a stranger I'd been traveling with for barely the past month and a half--and crying my eyes out in the off chance that he would actually give a fuck about my hurt feelings? But here's the better question...was he really hugging me back?_

_I kind of hope so. I may not be the most touchy feely person, but sometimes it's nice to just be held. Especially in Tallahassee's strong arms. With my head against his chest I swear I could feel the soft thumping of his heart beat while he whispered soothing words to me, telling me he was going to "protect me."_

_I'd never been protected by anyone before. Certainly not by my parents. If I were bullied--and I was even through high school--they would just look at me with pitying eyes and not do a Goddamn thing about it. If came home bruised and bloodied after getting pounded on by some bored jock I would be left on my own to deal with it. I guess I can thank my parents for my emotional issues and low self esteem._

_So it does feel really good to be cared about for once, even if it is by some crazy Floridian zombie killing maniac._

They were like that for a long while before Columbus's cries were finally exhausted leaving him limp and sniffling in Tallahassee's arms. Eventually they heard approaching footsteps and distant female voices whispering urgently to one another out in the hall. The sounds stopped abruptly and it took Tallahassee a moment to realize why. He slowly raised his head over Columbus' curls and saw the two sisters standing there all doe eyed with cutesy little smiles on their faces.

"Awww..." Little Rock cooed.

"Wow," Wichita commented. "You guys are just _adorable _together..."

Columbus' head shot up at the sound of the girls' voices and his wide, bloodshot from crying eyes darted to Wichita, then to Tallahassee, then to the ground in utter embarrassment.

"Gah, what're you doing, man," Columbus sniffled as he pushed himself away from Tallahassee's chest. He swiped at his flushed face quickly in the hopes that he could erase all evidence of his weeping. "You're...we're...that's just so... ..._gay_."

Wichita laughed whole heartedly while Columbus ducked his head even further to hide his face. The sound of her pleasant giggles was agony to his already crushed ego.

"Are you...okay?" Little Rock asked somewhat hesitantly. "We brought you something for your leg pain, if you need it..."

"What? Yeah," Columbus squeaked back, obviously trying and failing to sound braver than he looked. "I mean no. I'm fine. Okay. Everything's...okay here."

"Kid's lying," Tallahassee interjected. "He definitely wants the good stuff."

"I think we can help with that," Wichita said with a smirk. She held out a needle filled with some ambiguous liquid.

Columbus paled considerably at the sight. "W-wait...what is that?"

"Some kind of morphine I hope," Wichita answered with a shrug. "They've got a surprisingly well stocked Pharmacy in this place." She passed the medicine to Tallahassee, who reluctantly took the syringe and brought it to Columbus' bare arm.

"N-needle!" Columbus gasped. "Are...are you sure that it's, um...clean?

"It was still in the bag when we found it," Little Rock piped up.

"Yeah, plastic bag," Tallahassee assured him. "You got a thing for Ziplocs, right? Keeps things dry and clean or some shit."

"Um, yes," Columbus sniffled. "And c-crispy."

"Well than here's a fresh, crispy needle for ya."

He could tell the kid wanted to argue further, though not necessarily over how sanitary that syringe was. Tallahassee wouldn't be surprised if the kid was just terrified of needles in general--he was scared of everything else anyway.

"We'll, ah, leave you two alone," Wichita suddenly said. "I mean after we so, ah, _rudely _interrupted your little love fest."

She snorted at her own joke and winked as she steered her sister out of the room, leaving two very embarrassed men staring after her.

Tallahassee eventually cleared his throat to break the uncomfortable silence that had fallen over the room. "She wasn't interruptin' no _love fest_, that's just...ya know..."

"Yeah," Columbus forced himself to chuckle. "It wasn't...I mean...it was nice. You were...nice." His eyes darted up to Tallahassee's speechless face and he blushed. "Um, sorry I kinda ruined your shirt."

Tallahassee shrugged. "Oh, I'll just get another one. No big."

"Ah, that's...good."

"Yeah..." Tallahassee trailed off as he recalled the syringe he still held in his hand. "So, you ready to do this?"

Columbus looked wearily at him but didn't protest.

"Just don't look at it and I promise you'll feel a hell of a lot better when it's over with." Tallahassee almost felt bad for lying to Columbus. After all, he had no idea what he was about to inject into the kid's blood stream.

Columbus turned his head away and tried to focus his bloodshot vision on something other than Tallahassee with the needle.

"There. All done."

Columbus whipped his head back around. "Really?"

"Yup." Tallahassee tossed the empty syringe aside. "Feelin' better yet?"

"Um...maybe. A little..."

He trailed off tiredly and Tallahassee watched as the drug took almost immediate effect. Columbus' pupils dilated and his eye lids drooped as his mouth slowly curled into a goofy grin.

"Feels...nice."

Tallahassee waved a hand in front of his face and the kid didn't even blink. He just stared off into space in a drugged up daze.

"That's good," the older man mumbled. "At least yer not cryin' anymore."

He took care to fluff Columbus' pillow and help him lie down on the bed. The kid mumbled something incoherently that Tallahassee ignored as he turned his attention to the bloodied bandages on Columbus' leg. He picked at them carefully and when Columbus didn't react at all he tugged them off completely.

"Ewww..."

In the harsh fluorescent hospital lighting the wounds looked even worse than before. Tallahassee could clearly see where the thick, iron teeth had bitten into the kid's flesh. They were triangular in shape and at least a few inches deep surrounded by bruising and further torn gashes from when he'd fallen.

Tallahassee resumed his rummaging and was eventually able to find a shit load of bandages. He even came across a drawer full of suture kits that he could use to seal the wounds on the kid's leg. As long as he was careful and kept the cuts clean he figured he would have Columbus fixed up in no time.

He pulled up a chair at Columbus' bedside and listen to the kid's shallow breathing for a minute. He was still conscious, still staring off into space, but at least he was calm and didn't look like he was in pain anymore. If Tallahassee was going to sew Columbus' leg back together, now was definitely the time to do it.

Tallahassee sat there, curved needle in one hand and thread in another as he stared down at the kid's shredded flesh. He'd already torn through Columbus' jeans and cleaned the wounds again, he just didn't know where he was supposed to even start the stitches.

"Hey, hey," Columbus slurred as he perched himself up on his elbows to get a better look. "What...whatcha doin' down there?"

"Tryin' to fix yer leg."

"Oh," he mumbled back. "Thanks."

"Don't thank me yet," Tallahassee mumbled.

He held the needle against one of the cuts on the kid's leg. He could do this. He had to do this...

"I like you," Columbus suddenly said. Tallahassee jerked his head up and raised an eyebrow at the goofy smile on Columbus' face.

"Do you now?"

"Yeah. I like you lots."

"...Oookay."

"Tallahassee, you're my _hero_."

"Am I?"

"Yeah. I've never had a...a real life hero before."

"Never?"

"No. You're like my own personal _Batman_."

"Batman, huh?" Tallahassee scratched his chin thoughtfully while in his mind he pictured himself in classic cape and cowl, stalking the city at night and killing zombies from the shadows. But then Columbus would have to be his Robin, tagging along in those bright colors and the hot pants...

"Quit distracting me kid," he growled.

Columbus giggled at what Tallahassee could only assume was a similar mental image.

He focused again on the task at hand and actually managed to hook the needle into Columbus' flesh. A rivulet of blood and puss came out as a result so Tallahassee cringed and pulled away. To his surprise Columbus wasn't whining about it--in fact he still had that damn delirious grin on his face as he stared at his own blood.

"Yucky. I wonder why zombies like it so much? It doesn't look very..._tasty_..."

"Fuck it!" Tallahassee exclaimed as he slammed the suture kit down onto the bed, making the kid stop mid thought and jump in fright. Tallahassee pointed his finger at a bewildered Columbus and got to his feet, saying sternly "you stay right there."

Columbus blinked at him. "Ah, okey dokey."

"And don't even think of moving."

"...I won't."

"I'll be right back."

"Okay."

He kept his eyes locked on Columbus' as he backed out of the room and into the hall. He spotted Little Rock approaching from a little further down.

"Hey, Lil' Rock!"

"Oh, hi!" she greeted with a grin. "I was just coming to get you..."

"Yeah? Where's yer sister?"

The girl pointed back in the direction she came towards a pair of doors that were labeled "Radiology."

"She's in there."

"Thanks. Could you go watch the cripple while I go talk to her?"

"Sure!"

She skipped past him into the room he'd just left.

Tallahassee spotted Wichita behind a glass window, fiddling with some sort of machinery there. He quickly found the door to the small room and stomped his way towards her without so much as a pleasant "hello."

"You're a girl, right?"

She glanced up and smirked at him. "Last time I checked I was."

"So you know how to sew, right?"

"That's a pretty bold assumption."

"Chicks have this like instinctive ability to sew that us manly men don't have. 'S all about genetics and shit."

"Wow, genetics? Really? I had no idea..."

Tallahassee's expression hardened dangerously. "Listen, missy. We got no time for yer damn antics. Now can you sew the kid's leg back together or not?"

"Of course I can.".

"Good."

"But we can't just stitch him up," Wichita warned. "What if his leg's broken? We'll have to...you know...set it or something first."

"And just how in the hell are we going to do that?"

She shrugged. "We need to x-ray his leg to see if it's broken, and then we'll just make him a splint. We're in a fucking hospital anyway."

Tallahassee scratched his stubbled chin in thought. Wichita's logic was sound and really they didn't have any other options. "How hard could it be?" he reasoned aloud. "Ya stick him under the x-ray thing and hit 'go' or whatever."

"I honestly doubt it's that simple," Wichita chuckled. "But I've almost got it figured out, you just get him over here in one piece."

Tallahassee nodded in agreement, honestly glad that the youngens were dealing with the computer stuff. He started to walk away but was stopped again by her quiet, almost guilty sounding voice.

"You know," she said. "If...if this doesn't work, if he gets sick or something, we can't keep carting him around. It'd be...dangerous if we have to slow down."

The man let out a humorless chuckle as he turned to face her once again. "Now why I am not surprised to hear you say somethin' that?"

"I just mean--"

"You mean to leave him behind 'cause he's hurt," Tallahassee snapped. "You mean every bitch for herself, right?"

She looked down shamefully but didn't say a word.

"If I have to carry the kid around with me everywhere we go I will," he continued, just to drive the point home with the selfish girl. "Because I know if I was in trouble, or hurt, or stuck in some fucking amusement park overrun by Goddamn zombies he would be the first one to help me out. The least you could do is care a little bit back."

Her jaw dropped at his harsh words and she did look genuinely guilty, but he didn't stick around to hear if she actually responded. He wasn't in the mood to fight with her right now. Not while his junior was hurt.

_I guess I should have always known Wichita would never feel the same way about me as I felt about her. She had hero worship following the Perilous Pitfall...you know. But it wasn't long after that she was bored with me again. Little Rock said she liked "bad boys" after all. And no amount of spilt food would ever make me a bad boy. Not me, the guy who's afraid of everything. I should have known she could never really have feelings for someone like me, other than pitying friendship._

_But I guess the real breaking point in our short lived relationship came a two weeks after I saved her from the dreaded Drop Tower. We were in Vegas, and it was the first time we'd all been able to safely relax since Bill Murray's house. While the others opted for spending all their time in a luxurious pool--which I of course would never step foot near because God knows when it was last cleaned--I explored the vast hotel we were currently staying in._

_I was checking out emergency exits and what not while I made my way up to the topmost floor where our fancy penthouse suites were. Naturally I took the stairs the whole way up, which is probably how Wichita managed to catch an elevator and beat me to the room with ample time to light some candles and pour a couple glasses of wine. It was just like our last alone time, only now the cock blocking robot was floating down some lazy river and playing Marco Polo with a twelve year old. _

_"Wich...er, Krista," I'd gasped after getting over my initial shock of seeing her standing there in the doorway still wearing her bikini from the pool. I swallowed hard and tried not to let my eyes linger in inappropriate places. "Ah, hello..."_

_"Hey there," she'd said with that sly little grin of hers. Before I could even respond she'd thrust a glass of red wine in my hand and linked her free arm in mine. _

_We sat and drank for a while, mostly continuing our conversation from last time. Wichita relived her rebellious teen years to me, while I summed up my rather pathetic ones back to her. We finished our little dance and this time I actually got to kiss her, a skill that I am proud to say I was getting pretty good at. She revealed a bottle of tequila and poured glass sized shots that my already tipsy mind willingly drank as she led me to the bed._

_She slowly moved to unzip my hoodie and I kicked off my shoes. Then we did a shot. I struggled to get my t-shirt over my head, and as soon as I was free her lips were on mine again. Then we did another shot. Her hands traveled downwards along my torso and I reached out in an attempt to undo her bikini top when the world suddenly tilted sideways and went black._

_Apparently I barfed on her a concoction that was about the same texture and color as pink cotton candy before passing out in a shirtless heap on the floor. _

_She didn't say anything to the others afterwards to save us both the humiliation. I was grateful for that at least._

Columbus grinned up at Tallahassee in a drugged daze when he finally returned. Little Rock waved her hello almost nervously and stepped away from Columbus' bedside. No doubt she was more than eager to be away from the boy's mutilated leg and his drugged up ramblings.

"Come on, Casanova," Tallahassee sighed as he gently hauled Columbus up in his arms again. "Time to see what your insides look like."

"Ooh...I'll bet they're gross," the kid muttered.

Tallahassee chuckled at that. "Yeah, I'll bet they are."

Soon they were in Radiology where the machinery around them was suddenly whirring with life. Wichita stood there next to the controls on the other side of a glass window with a triumphant smirk on her face.

Tallahassee merely nodded to acknowledge her as he set Columbus gently down on the examination table. The kid groaned and winced just a little, which subtly indicated that the meds were already wearing off.

"Alright, Wichita," he called. "Let's get this over with."

She shot him a thumbs up and flicked a switch.

"W-wait...what is this?" Columbus choked as he stared up at the ominous device looking down on him. His expression went from blissfully giddy drugged to angry horrified drugged in an instant.

"It's like a big camera," Little Rock explained. "We're gonna use it to x-ray your leg."

If anything Columbus looked even more terrified after her brief explanation. He moved to roll off the table and Tallahassee was just able to stop him before he toppled over completely.

"Hey!" the older man snapped. "Where the hell d'ya think yer going?!"

"...Lead."

"...Pardon?"

"Where'sa lead...you know..."

"No I do not know."

"You need lead to...to block the x-rays!"

Tallahassee blinked in honest confusion. "Why in the hell would I wanna block 'em?"

"Lead...keeps the...the radiation out! My cells'll get...m-mutated and I'll have the...the _cancer_!"

"I think cancer is the least of your worries right now," Tallahassee scoffed.

But Columbus wasn't listening. In his confused mind he'd convinced himself to be deathly afraid of what they were doing, even if they were only trying to help him. He made a desperate move and managed to shove Tallahassee away from him before starting to get to his shaky feet. Tallahassee recovered quickly and grasped Columbus around his skinny waist so the kid wouldn't collapse on his injured leg. He hauled the squirming body back up and onto the table while he barked frantically at Wichita.

"Do it already!"

"You gotta keep him still," Wichita yelled back.

"Stoppit, spit fuck!"

"Won't...let you...assholes...scramble...my brains!"

Tallahassee could see in the kid's wild eyes that Columbus was simultaneously terrified and really, really pissed off. He fought frantically, throwing lame punches in Tallahassee's direction while he moaned for them to let him go.

"Don't you have another happy pill or something?!" Tallahassee shouted to no one in particular.

"I don't know!" Little Rock squeaked back. She was struggling to keep just one of Columbus' flailing arms down. "What do they look like?!"

Tallahassee growled. He was barely able to hold Columbus down in his drugged up fevered delirium. He needed the kid to go to sleep. Now.

"I'm real sorry, Columbus," he muttered.

The kid turned to look at him and his eyes widened as Tallahassee brought his fist back. He socked Columbus in the face as hard as he could, knocking the kid out instantly. Little Rock gasped and looked between the two of them in horror but didn't say a word while she helped Tallahassee maneuver the now still body onto the table beneath the x-ray machine. Columbus didn't protest when he was manhandled and he didn't even twitch when the radiation coursed through his body. It was clear, however, that he have quite a shiner around his eye when he woke up.

_

* * *

_

Owie...

Columbus' eyes opened a crack but just as quickly squeezed shut as harsh fluorescent light assaulted his vision.

"Well would you look at that...sleeping beauty's finally waking her ass up," a voice with a familiar drawl said. "That's good, 'cause I wasn't about to kiss ya or anything."

Columbus groaned. He was groggy and very, _very_ confused. "Wh-where am I?" he rasped.

"You don't remember?" That was a pretty girl's voice, and he felt a little better when he noted a hint of concern in the tone.

He flinched when a set of fingers snapped next to his face to get his attention. "Hey, kid," the first voice called loudly. "Stay awake. You remember being in a hospital?"

_Hospital? But civilization had been destroyed, right? I was going to college and my family was back home in Ohio...I had a date on Friday with WOW and a hearty dinner of pepperoni pizza and Code Red Mountain Dew© waiting for me. Was it possible I just dreamed the whole Zombie-pocalypse thing?_

"No, spit fuck. You're not dreaming."

"...I'm not?"

"'Fraid not," Tallahassee explained. "You got yerself caught on a trap and we had to perform emergency surgery to fix you up."

"S-surgery?!" Columbus gasped and his eyes shot open. Now he remembered, or at least the misstep and the resulting agony part. After that everything was a blur. He didn't even want to imagine what Tallahassee's "surgery" consisted of...

"He's kidding," Wichita assured him. "Your leg just needed some stitches."

Columbus stared stupidly up at the blurry forms that hovered over him. The smallest of them waved a dark image in front of his face.

"See," Little Rock said. "That's your leg."

"We think it's just fractured," Wichita explained. "I wouldn't walk on it for a while if I were you."

"Which means you're riding with me for the time being," Tallahassee said. He clapped the boy affectionately on the shoulder before tightening the grip dangerously. "And I swear to God you better never scare me like this again. Or else."

Columbus blinked. He was glad Tallahassee cared, and also terrified of the man's threat should he get hurt in the future. "Thanks," he finally said with a grateful smile.

"You're welcome," Tallahassee muttered back. He ruffled the kid's hair and stepped back.

Columbus grinned contentedly and sank a little further into his pillows. He was feeling...good. Just good. His bandaged leg was throbbing and his face hurt for some unknown reason, but for once he had friends at his bedside who genuinely cared for his well being.

"Now get some damn sleep," Tallahassee was saying. "We've decided to stick around for the day, but by tomorrow morning we're outta here."

He nodded and was just starting to doze off again when a thought came to him. He perked up a little in the bed and was ecstatic to see he still held everyone's immediate attention.

"Hey I still get to pick the next trip, right?"

"Uh, no kid," Tallahassee chuckled. "This was your trip. You picked the hospital."

"What?! Now way, that doesn't count," Columbus whined. "I finally thought of something really good!"

"I'm sure you didn't," Tallahassee scoffed.

Columbus grinned sheepishly and admitted with a tired sigh, "you're right, I didn't."

END

_

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_

Please excuse all the lack of real medical knowledge and the ridiculous things that happened here...I am--admittedly--not a doctor :\

_I really wanna thank everyone who reviewed and enjoyed that first chapter, and thanks in advance to anyone who reviews this chapter. All your awesome little comments make writing all the more worth it :)_


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